Men...

Your Wife is a Gift to You,

First things first, what does God require of you? We're gonna get this out of the way. Not because it's not important or it's secondary, but because when men are hurt or in rebellion, they could care less about what God requires of them in a marriage. So we'll outline some things first, probably irritate the heck outta some guys in the beginning. But if you stick with it you may learn something. So hang in there, there is a way to get it right.

I'll tell you this right up front. The condition of your marriage is directly related and usually in proportion to your relationship to Christ. If your walk is not strong, the enemy can get in easier and your marriage will suffer.  Here we go...

1) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."  Ephesians 5 

Do you love your wife? Maybe I should say, Do you love your wife like this? Like Ephesians outlines. 

One of the first things I realized when I was seriously looking for answers to our marriage was I am really a selfish guy. I don't mean a little selfish. I mean really selfish. I knew I had to provide and work. I had to take care of the family, that was a given',  but on a daily basis I planned, manipulated, worked the day to day stuff to my benefit, my way. If Susie wanted something that didn't fit into that plan it didn't happen. I stepped on her feelings and her desires more times than I can count. If she bucked I would shut her out. That's one of the worse things a man can do in his marriage. I loved my wife as I defined love. I liked her and I liked having her around. but on my terms. Then at the end of the day when it was time to crawl into bed, I wondered why her head always hurt so much. 

Christ is the example we have in Ephesians 5. The last part of that verse says, "as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Did I "give my self up for Susie?" In my mind I did. After all, I went to work every day, I brought home a good check, I worked around the house, I watched the kids (sometimes). All the things I wanted to do I did, and she should appreciate those things. But did I talk to her? Did I really listen to what she had to say? Did I care about what she cares about? Do I understand what "oneness" is and how to enhance it? Did I really appreciate the gifts God had given her? Did I realize that one of the things God wanted from me was to help Susie fulfill her life in Christ. (That's what one aspect of spiritual leadership is) Did I spend my time being kind and giving up my self, my selfishness, my life for her like Christ gave Himself up for the church? No, I Didn't.

What we men don't get sometimes is Christ could have had anything He wanted, anything. He WAS God's Son. Yet Philippians 2 says He gave it all up and became a servant. A Bond servant at that. When Paul speaks in his letters he speaks of being a "Bond Servant". What is that anyway? Look at Exodus 21. 

"Now these are the judgments which you shall set before them: "If you buy a Hebrew servant, he shall serve six years; and in the seventh he shall go out free and pay nothing. "If he comes in by himself, he shall go out by himself; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him. "If his master has given him a wife, and she has borne him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s, and he shall go out by himself. "But if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,’ "then his master shall bring him to the judges. He shall also bring him to the door, or to the doorpost, and his master shall pierce his ear with an awl; and he shall serve him forever." (Exodus 21:1-6)

The first judgments given to the children of Israel (after the 10 Commandments) were the instructions about servants. But there is something interesting mentioned in verse 5:

"But if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,"

This is a big decision, a choice for life. Kinda like marriage. The judges (v. 6) were present to witness the servant’s willingness to become a bond servant to the master, his willingness to give up his freedom to the master, to work for the master and to do his will.

Why would anybody not want to be set free? Who wants to be under the bondage of a master? The Law has something to do with it, but that's not the real, true answer. 

Laws, ordinances and statutes do not make us slaves. In fact, they make us free! Look at America. We probably have more laws on our books than any other nation, yet we are considered one of the freest nations on the earth. Take our traffic laws, without them there would be chaos on the streets. It is easy to see the value of the laws especially when everybody obeys them. God set His laws in place for us, for our good. God wants us to obey Him, to be a servant (a bondservant) to Him. He is our master, we are His servants. 

Many today want to be rulers not servants. Many large egos rule our houses and even Churches. We have little desire to be servants at all. However we have clear instruction in God’s Word about this very subject.

"Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. "And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Mark 10:43-45)

We like the role the Bible gives us when it says we're the leader, the head of the family and the wife has to respect us, even give us her body when we want it. But we don't like it when we learn that we're to take that leadership role and lead by example, be a servant to our wives and families. Even if your wife never returns the love, you are to serve the Lord in your family. When the serpent came to the garden in Genesis, Eve was deceived into eating the fruit and sinning against God. But Adam was not deceived! Adam was rebellious. He knew what he was doing and did it anyway. Most conflicts in your marriage are a result of one of both of you living to please your self and not the Lord. Open your eyes, guys. This is what I meant when I said your marriage is directly related to your walk with Jesus. He knows exactly what you're doing and the shame of it is this. It doesn't have to be that way. The conflicts you find yourselves in can be opportunities for growth if you learn to deal with them the way God says to.

So that's the law of the matter... lots of fun, right? I'm ordered to be a servant so I'll be a servant. But I won't like it, I might even hate it and loath it a little. The key is in verse 5 of Exodus, But if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master... If I love my master I WANT to serve him. When you truly see the value of love, when you see the value of what Jesus did for you, it changes you and the way you think. 

Look again at Exodus, But if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free... Look at the order, If I love my master first, my wife second, my children third, where is self? When you love your master, your wife and children you don't mind giving up your rights. You don't mind doing Ephesians 5 because you see truth of being a bond servant, a love servant. A love servant wants the absolute best for his master. He protects his master, he listens to see what his master is really saying. He is not bothered or irritated when his master interrupts the Football game to say something important to him. 

BUT WAIT DEAN!!! What about MEEEE! That's the cool part. We are called to practice a dyeing kind of love. Luke 9 says...

And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away?

For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and [in his] Father's, and of the holy angels.

But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.

Hang in there, you'll get it in a second...  John 12 says...

Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abides alone: but if it die, it brings forth much fruit.

He that loves his life shall lose it; and he that hates his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.

If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will [my] Father honor.

These 2 sections are actually saying the same thing. If one dies to his own selfish things, if he denies himself, if he falls to the ground and dies like Jesus did, if he would just forget about himself and be a bondservant, love his Master, wife and children... then he will see the Kingdom of God, he will save his life, he will bring forth much fruit and he will be there with the Father and he will be honored. Can you Imagine the reality of what He is saying here. If any man serve Me, let him follow Me, and where I am, here shall also my servant be: you will ABIDE with the Father, He will make Himself known to you. When do you think He is speaking about? In Heaven, yes but also NOW! Right Now! think about it... where is God? Isn't He Omni-present? Isn't He everywhere at once, all the time? So isn't He here with you now? If you serve Him, He will ABIDE with you... He's here, talk to Him, Pray now...

This brings us to the next point, communication. Communication means

1. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
2. Interpersonal rapport.

Notice a very important truth here... Communication is NOT just verbal. it's not just what we say to each other. it's an exchange that happens whether you want it to or not. It happens through behavior, body language, speech. Even in complete silence you can "feel" the communication happening. So can we control it? practice it? Understand each other to eliminate some of the misunderstandings Satan uses so often in our marriage? 

Susie is always telling me to "give her the details". I'm always telling her the headlines. She will ask me about my day and I'll say, "It was good, I got a lot accomplished today." For me that's enough. We can move on into the evening, what's for dinner? But I have learned that for Susie that's NOT enough! What did I accomplish? How did I accomplish it? How did it FEEL to accomplish it? Was there any kind of struggle getting it accomplished? Did the accomplishment effect any RELATIONSHIPS? I have learned that one of the ways I have to love my wife and give myself up for her is to talk... A Lot! Make time for her! Give her the details.

The way women think and the feelings that come out of that are very different than men. Men are very detail oriented in their thinking but not usually in their speaking. A man will take an issue and work it through dozens of scenarios before saying a word. Then when he's worked it all out he'll tell you the answer... exciting , huh? Not to his wife! What happens in most of these scenarios is the woman wants to be part of the process. What the man does inside his head she does with her mouth. Women want to talk it out as men think it through. Some women have even told us that they CANNOT get a thought out of their head unless they are allowed to speak it. But if they are allowed to speak it, it's fine. it's finished and we can go on. 

it's important at this point to say that God made both the man and the woman. We are to love each other and know that we think and process feelings differently. We are to practice and learn of each other but we should not judge each other harshly. Know that you are each individual children of our King but servants to each other. Couples many times misunderstand each other, sometimes Satan plants a little lie in one mate about the other, they judge that and it turns into something ugly. When at first it was just a bad communication with faulty reception. If kept unchecked it can get worse because things tend to build on each other. One misunderstanding leads to further misunderstanding and sure enough defenses come up and attack mode is engaged. We have uncovered patterns in marriages that have been in a couples mind for years. When the truth was finally allowed to come out and understood, the marriage changed dramatically.

Realize you are different but on the same team! The media loves to play on the differences of men and women. But notice most of the time the men are the dunces, the idiots. This is because Satan wants men to feel bad enough to abandon their role as leaders of their family. So sometimes he uses the media to accomplish this.

You each play unique and different positions with a common goal of oneness and harmony. You're on the same team! Prioritize this! Oneness is one of your most important goals, not making 6 figures or getting the dishes done right this minute. Life is hard enough in the world, don't let the world come into your marriage.    

Men, we think we know what it is that will make us happy and fulfilled but we don't. The stuff we want is usually habitual addictive behavior that feeds our flesh and our selfish nature. To forget about yourself and love your Master, being a true bondservant means you have to be AWAKE spiritually. Looking for His Spirit to guide you as you listen to your wife and your Lord. Then your life is new each moment. Then you find that you're happy because you're accomplishing God's Will in your life right then. You are "doing" the Word as in James 1:22. As I began to wake up and practice these things my wife responded wonderfully. As the Spirit of God awoke in me He awoke in her. Our life now is not without trials but more wonderful than it ever has been. What did I have to give up?... Me, and it was worth it.

Because Love (God) Never Fails...