Women in Marriage...

A woman's desire and a woman's duty. So much in these area's are misunderstood. A woman is told in Ephesians 5 to "respect and submit herself to her own husband." Duty. So many women hate this idea? Or if they have a close relationship to the Lord they may submit but not with their heart, especially if the husband does not understand her and does not do his part of Ephesians 5. "To love his wife as Christ loved the church and give himself up for her". We have counseled many couples on this issue. Many women are afraid that their husbands will take advantage of this command and some men have! But it should not be so, it was not meant to be this way. So how is it meant to work?

Women need to be loved, deeply, cherished. That's what the word cherish means, to love deeply. But what does that mean and how does it play out? How do we do that day to day? When Jesus told men to love their wives as He did the church and give himself up for her, there is the key. 

We are all born self centered. it's natural. When you wake up in the morning who is the first person you think about, YOU! So the Lord gave us commands to HELP us to change, to assist the "new man" in developing. When a woman knows, I mean really feels that she is loved her, that her husband has her best interest in mind, that he is not trying to GET something or manipulate her, she easily and wonderfully submit's herself and respects him. She gives of herself wonderfully and in return he feels more like a man. He feels respected. And in this there is a wondrous circle of love. He wants to love her more, she respects and submit's, He wants to love her more, she respects and submit's. But if one of them gets a little selfish, gets hurt or forgets to do their part, (and it will happen from time to time) then friction happens. 

This brings us to the next point, communication. Communication means

1. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
2. Interpersonal rapport.

Notice a very important truth here... Communication is NOT just verbal. it's not just what we say to each other. it's an exchange that happens whether you want it to or not. It happens through behavior, body language, speech. Even in complete silence you can "feel" the communication happening. So can we control it? practice it? Understand each other to eliminate some of the misunderstandings Satan uses so often in our marriage? 

Susie is always telling me to "give her the details". I'm always telling her the headlines. She will ask me about my day and I'll say, "It was good, I got a lot accomplished today." For me that's enough. We can move on into the evening, what's for dinner? But I have learned that for Susie that's NOT enough! What did I accomplish? How did I accomplish it? How did it FEEL to accomplish it? Was there any kind of struggle getting it accomplished? Did the accomplishment effect any RELATIONSHIPS? I have learned that one of the ways I have to love my wife and give myself up for her is to talk. 

The way women think and the feelings that come out of that are very different than men. Men are very detail oriented in their thinking but not usually in their speaking. A man will take an issue and work it through dozens of scenarios before saying a word. Then when he's worked it all out he'll tell you the answer... exciting , huh? Not to his wife! What happens in most of these scenarios is the woman wants to be part of the process. What the man does inside his head she does with her mouth. Women want to talk it out as men think it through. Some women have even told us that they CANNOT get a thought out of their head unless they are allowed to speak it. But if they are allowed to speak it, it's fine. it's finished and we can go on. 

it's important at this point to say that God made both the man and the woman. We are to love each other and know that we think and process feelings differently. We are to practice and learn of each other but we should not judge each other. Know that you are each individual children of our King but servants to each other. Couples many times misunderstand each other, judge that and turn it into something ugly. When at first it was just a bad communication with faulty reception. If kept unchecked it can get worse because thing tend to build on each other. One misunderstanding leads to further misunderstanding and sure enough defenses come up and attack mode is engaged.

Realize you are different but on the same team! You each play unique and different positions with a common goal of oneness and harmony. Prioritize this! Oneness is one of your most important goals, not making 6 figures or getting the dishes done right this minute. Life is hard enough in the world, don't let the world come into your marriage.